A Word From Jesus

Posted: February 5, 2014 in Uncategorized

Hey Guys it’s been a while since I was walking the earth and lots of things have changed so I figured it was time to update some of the things I told you about. I’m going to briefly cover a variety of issues so try to bear with me.

First the issue of building my church. I did a lot of things differently back then but I was just winging it. We had never done church before. I had this crazy idea rattling around in my head about my people being the church. I also thought having small gatherings in multiple locations was the more effective approach. But I have read many great books on church growth and development and I see that I have to reconsider some of the things I instructed you on in this area.

Bigger is Better. It portrays the image of being successful. My church consisted of only 120 people and we met in a small room on the second floor of a bakery. Boy was I off base. When constructing your church buildings make sure your budget includes a generous amount for a sic sound and lighting system. I suggest you hire an architect and top notch designer. We want to appeal to the masses and pull them in by the thousands.

I want the children’s ministry rooms to look like Disney World, only better, cause that’s how I roll. Be sure to include all the latest gaming consoles such as PS4 and XBOX One. I recommend 60 inch flat screens as when playing 4 player games each screen will provide ample viewing. These children are coming to be entertained and we don’t want to disappoint.

As far as seating throughout the church, I want seats so comfy, people could fall asleep in them. Make sure your foyer has a kicking coffee bar filled with delicious pastries. Starbucks is kicking our butt in this department. Remember mood lighting and artwork create cozy atmosphere. Your designer will explain this.

As far as a preaching staff, I want the best speakers money can buy proclaiming my message. If you can’t find a top notch leader consider a video feed from another location. There are books available on this subject. Make sure they are trained professionals with appropriate degrees and credentials, I don’t want people trying this at home. They confuse people if they don’t have all the answers.

If you follow this plan jaws should hit the floor when people step into your buildings. Spare no expense. I know you are going to have critics complaining that there are starving children in some foreign country dying every day and that this money could be used to feed them and provide medication. Don’t let it get you down. No matter what you do in life, someone will criticize you. Remember they criticized me they will criticize you. It’s part of being a Christian.

Now I want to address the whole “Love your enemies” debacle. Wow was that a public relations nightmare. When I preached that sermon, I had no idea how stupid people would become. So if someone makes you mad you have my complete blessing to rip them apart in a Facebook status. I don’t blame you one bit. I mean seriously, right?

And while we are on the subject, you probably read about how I spent time with sinners, drunks, prostitutes, demon possessed…etc. let me just say this, BIG MISTAKE. These people have problems. They will consume your life and pull you away from the real business of the church. Not to mention I got persecuted every time I had a meal with one of them. Stay away from these people. They’re needy and they don’t give money. They will take up seats that tithing customers could sit in. And we know the electric bill won’t pay itself don’t we. As far as preaching my message let’s steer clear of talking too much about sin. This is a real Debbie downer and tends to send people packing. Focus on Jeremiah 29:11 You can never go wrong with this feel good message. Tell them to say a little prayer about being sorry and things will be great between us. They don’t even need to change the way they are living. If you put too much on people they won’t want to come to church and like I already said, that electric bill ain’t gonna pay itself.

I’m not too concerned with how they are living their lives Monday through Saturday. They can do whatever they want but come Sunday I want to hear some singing and praising my name, as long as it sounds great though. If they have a bad voice let them be ushers or diaper changers in the nursery.

I know I said do not have a hint of impurity in your life, but then I did not know Hollywood would be making movies in the future. Yes they glorify adultery, murder, rape and are filled with vulgar words and all kinds of things that appear evil, but it’s just entertainment right? It’s not like you think it’s real. You’re just relaxing. You deserve a little down time. Just ask me to forgive you every time you view it if it makes you feel better.

To all you business owners and employees. I wanted to clear something up. If you have a business or work to support your family I do not expect you to stand up for your faith in me or mention my name at work. People will boycott your business and cause you financial hardships. You certainly did not sign on to this Christian life for that. You signed on for the abundant life package. As for you employees, I do not want you to get fired so just go along with things. I know your heart. Here’s an example. If someone is telling an inappropriate joke, go ahead just laugh. I know you don’t really find it funny. I just don’t want them to think you are weird or something worse. If your co-workers are bad mouthing your boss or talking behind another co-workers back, please join in. It will be awkward if you don’t. We both know you don’t mean it but it will save face with your peers.

Praying over your meal is ok…if you are at home. Do not do this in public. People will think…well I don’t know what they will think so just don’t do it. If you feel you must thank me but don’t want those around you to know, try this. Drop your napkin on the floor and while you bend over to retrieve it just close your eyes and squeeze out a quick TY4 this food. I’ll consider it a prayer tweet. It will be our little secret. See “living” this “Christian life is not as hard as you thought. I don’t expect much.

Even giving is easy. I know you have bills to pay and a 500.00 a month car payment. I don’t wanna leave you with nothing, how you gonna pay your 200.00 per month cable bill? Here’s a trick. When the collection plate is coming take five one dollar bills and wrap a ten dollar bill around them. Fold it twice. Those around you will think you are dropping a hundred bucks. It’s really only $15.00 You spend that in 2 days at Starbucks so we cool. They don’t need to know what you are giving. That’s between you and me.

Well if there is anything I left out you can just touch base with me tonight in the few seconds before you fall asleep. I just love those 5 seconds we spend together daily. It’s the quality not the quantity. It’s the highlight of my day.


  1. Hi, yeah this sounds like a lot of the churches today, to me it is too much of the worldly things, I know when I was teaching and trying to figure out ways to get the young ones, I prayed to the Lord and His answer was just teach the word, the truth. So that is what I do, just teach the word, because I am not there to tickle peoples ears. Love how this is wrote.

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